Day 3 - Your parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

I'm sure that, under different circumstances, in a different frame of mind and moment in time, I would write something more positive and substantive and far less abrasive.

But tonight... tonight, I have no other words to say to you, other than the following:

You have been unkind to me these last few months and I still cannot fathom why you refuse to attend my wedding due to "religious" reasons when you have committed some of the biggest sins according to the Bible. I am no longer upset with you, but the distance between us keeps growing and growing, and for some reason, I am okay with that. I am not sad, I am not mad, only deeply disappointed.

I am your daughter, your one and only and oldest one, but there are days where I truly feel like we are complete strangers to each other and I find myself wondering why I still bother.

Day 1 - Your Best Friend

Dear Best Friend,

It's funny, these two words making up one term. 

Best. 

Friend. 

It is almost as if it has an expiration date, not to be employed once we are past elementary school.  It almost sounds slightly trite, maybe even juvenile, for two women in their mid-twenties to refer to each other as such. 

And yet, at the same time, in an age where Facebook has diluted the meaning of the word "friend", and in a world where "best" is always relative, this simple, single, sewed-together term doesn't even begin to encompass the deep, deep love and support we have had for each other over this past decade.

And the best part of our unique friendship -- the very best part, is that I know, without a doubt, that there will be many more decades to come filled with laughter and tears with you, my beautiful friend and soul sister.  I don't know what I would do without you in my life, and I can't wait to celebrate yet another wonderful, most-likely-to-be eventful birthday with you next week!

Fall fun.

Finally made it out to Cox Farms today to enjoy a few hours of Fall fun in the sun. Had us some apple cider and the largest spiced apple funnel cake, ever, and the corn maze and goat village were a blast!

We were there just the two of us, and it made me miss my family so much as we were surrounded by parents, grandparents, and lots and LOTS of children today.

Two years ago I organized a family outing to the pumpkin patch at Butler's Orchard, and everyone enjoyed themselves tremendously. In fact, my relatives are still talking about it, but it's so hard to get everyone in one place these days - not to mention, I have so much on my plate right now that I really can't bother planning anything other than my own life events at the moment.

But, still. I love that the Fiancé and I make time for each other, and never wait on others for us to do things together. We've never been the type of people - much less couple - to sit at home and do nothing, so I know deep in my heart that this adventure-seeking trait will transfer over to our kids one day.

If anything, it'd probably be because we're both simply grown kids at heart ourselves.

Embracing another New Year.

For 2012, I'll be living the life I always imagined -- waking up with the sun, going above and beyond at work, doing my best in school, wander around the city, traveling to others, spending time with my loved ones, kissing the man who has my heart, laughing with my girlfriends, making time for writing, reading every night before bed.

What more could anyone ever want?

Utterly angry.

I am so angry; angry at someone so close to me.

I have long seen this person as a victim, but clearly, you have made your decision.

Time and time again, you choose to remain where you are - flailing helplessly, when you already know how to swim.

I should give up on you; cut all ties, and say goodbye. But I can't.

I can't because you've always been a part of me.

For better or worse, you will always be a part of me.

And the saying goes, "Keep calm, and carry on."

Ghost. I've been a total ghost this past week and a half, as I struggle to make sense of what has happened; to accept that it did happen; to confront the fact that the road ahead, wherever it may lead, is mine and mine alone to start walking down.

Because like all else in life, "this, too, shall pass." Life is impermanent, my mother reminded me tonight, as she held me and I forgave her and let my sobs and tears wet the front of her sweater.

It will be a long and arduous process. Already, nothing has been easy. And already, I've been cruel and unfair and dishonest; needy and desperate and insecure and just basically all sorts of other adjectives most people would avoid. But despite the listless and hapless feelings permeating my being these days, hopeless has never once been one of them at all.

And so, all is therefore not lost. And for that, I have to thank my no-longer-a-teenager brother, closest girlfriends, and new friends for it the most.

A manifesto.

I love wandering around, taking photos, but uploading them for the world to see really isn't my forte. An acquaintance's incredibly tragic and senseless loss recently moved something inside of me, and I found myself holding onto Manfriend just a little tighter at night, and just a little longer in the mornings. I sat on a bench, feeling the sun on my skin, taking my time chatting with my mother and brothers.

Tonight, I sorted through a few memories. Crooked smiles, first times, and all the art and nature we could possibly find.

Love is so beautiful. And life is too short.

Flowers on Friday.

One of my favorite things to do when visiting my parents is admiring my father's latest plants or flowers. The man is truly talented, born with a magical green thumb that I never inherited.

Those pretty peach blossoms? They were completely dry, and inevitably dying the last time I saw them. But somehow my father has breathed life into them once again, their petals now blushing such a healthy, pretty pink hue.

...

...

Manfriend has had some African violets sitting on the kitchen window sill for quite some time now, a small gift received years ago from a friend and coworker. I noticed nothing but leaves in its pot the first time I laid eyes on it. And so I started to give the flowers more water to drink, and I turn their faces towards the warmth of the sun every morning. I sing them love songs when I wash the dishes in the evenings.

Yesterday, we took a good look at them. Surprised, we loudly marveled at how deeply colorful and bountiful they have become in such a short amount of time.

In the long run, it's amazing how the little things can make all the difference.

...

...

He recently gave me some beautiful orchids; one of my favorites, to care for and call my own. But a single branch with blooming buds and flowers sadly did not survive the ride home, breaking off, landing softly and solemnly into the palm of my hands as soon as I unwrapped the plastic cover that was supposed to protect it.

Plants are like people, they react to love and attention, the lover simply said. Be patient. It'll be just fine as long as we look after it. And with that he tenderly examined the plant and carefully felt its soil. It has become our little child. I've become obsessed with not letting it die.

I can't let it die. I won't let it.

...

...

And my mother. After all these years, my mother still calls me ma plus belle des fleurs de tout le monde; her prettiest of all the flowers in all of the world.

...

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."

–Marcel Proust

Ai-ai-gasa.

via

I thought of my aunt today. My mother's sister, they could not be more different than night and day. I thought of her today; of how the last time we spoke, she held the phone to the wind, letting me hear the sound of the ocean waves crashing onto the shore. She was on vacation with her son and husband, their first trip together as a family in nearly a decade. I have to be really careful now, careful to never mention the words "Florida" and "Daytona Beach" so carelessly around my mother, who is still hurting, never to fully recover from her loss.

We lost my aunt to the sea that year. Painfully. Very unexpectedly. My cousin was eight at the time, and I always wonder, and pray, that he isn't still traumatized by the experience. He is such a courageous little boy. He has grown up to be such a little gentleman. I cried and held him when he recounted the story no one wanted to hear but needed to know.

I couldn't stop crying at her funeral. It was the first time I had lost someone so close to me, someone whom I cared for and loved and cherished and appreciated, with all my heart and soul. We had our differences, but what difference does it make when you don't get to hold them close anymore?

Ai-ai-gasa. Love-love-umbrella. While we carve out hearts and initials on trees, the Japanese declare their love on umbrellas. Umbrellas will shield you from the sun and keep you warm and dry from the rain. Rain or shine, they will save you when you need it the most.

You gave me so much when you were still in this life, Co Trang. I wish we were all there to protect you that day.

As Rihanna says, to let you stand under my umbrella.

The edge of the world.

There were many plans of exciting parties in the city being tossed around for New Year's Eve, but Manfriend and I ended up welcoming 2011 in a much less crowded and more quiet manner this year.

I want to say the long weekend was a low-key one, but that wouldn't be a very accurate assessment at all. If these last few days are any indication of what's to come, then I am predicting an abundance of moments filled with love and laughter, good food and good company with close friends and family in 2011.

I wouldn't know how I know this, exactly, but I have an incredibly great feeling about this next year, and new phase, of my life. Maybe one day, in a decade or two, I will look back on this year and smile quietly to myself.

2011 will be where it all first started.

There's family, and then there's even more family.

I am getting ready to send this Christmas picture of my family to Manfriend's parents (the penguin was temporarily replacing our baby puppy Sparky), and I am starting to miss all of them tremendously.

My mommy, my daddy. His mom, his dad. My brothers, my dog. His sister, and her darling kids. I can't wait for them to all meet someday soon. Sometime this upcoming year, perhaps? I'm only writing this because the people over at Mervis Diamond Importers curiously sent me an intriguing little card in the mail today...

Um. What? Apparently, someone knows something I obviously don't know. I am slightly peeved that they've ingrained the reality of a proposal so much deeper into my head and heart now, because you totally know this is going to be the very first thought that will cross my mind when I wake up each and every single morning from now on.

...

No, but seriously. Why. Why would they do that to me?! Le sigh. In other news, I should probably make "keeping my nails pretty and lady-like" a number one priority in the next few months. Wouldn't want him to slip it on a grubby-looking finger now, would we?

Home is where the heart is.

With each loving, morning kiss received and given, I am continually reminded of how much I love and am loved by him. Our relationship continues to grow and deepen and is developing into something quite unique and amazing.

I am infinitely thankful.

...

He was away on business until this past Wednesday, and, whereas I was still living with my family whenever he was out of town on past trips, his absence was painfully felt much more stronger this time around, as I came home alone to an empty place each night.

The bed seemed to swallow me whole as I tried to fall asleep, reaching over to no one and nothing as I tossed and turned and yearned for him. Even the rainy, dreary weather seemed to be crying along with me at the time.

...


I am still trying to settle into these new quarters, transforming what's his and mine into what's ours, while carefully still maintaining our own personal identities and spaces... but in the midst of these transitions, there is also a certain sense of calmness to the chaos, safely enveloping everything in a soft, familiar comfort.

I want to build a home with this man, and in this home I want weekly fresh flowers in bright and beautiful colors. I want warm, delicious smells to greet every person walking through the door. I want this home, and the next, to harbor lots of love, laughter and memories with family and friends.

I want it all.


And I am working every day towards getting it.

My favorite places in the world, are places filled with you.

It is not a new concept, saying goodbye. But it is always so hard to do, each and every time. The lover's farewell, especially, is one that has always moved me deeply, and tremendously.

Because a day away is still a day too much, and my heart aches for those who have loved ones serving or working abroad this holiday season.

May they come back safely to you, and may you get to hold them tightly, oh so tightly, in your warm, loving arms once again soon.

"A Journey of Inseparable Love"

Harper's Bazaar Wedding Indonesia, November '10
Photography by Nicoline Patricia Malina

Mmmmm, Cookie Monster cupcakes!

Despite having to wake up early the next morning for the Fannie Mae's Help the Homeless Walkathon with a few work colleagues, I spent a few hours late Friday night baking some Cookie Monster cupcakes for my baby cousin's fifth birthday on Saturday.

They turned out great, and were quite a success with the kids! I used a recipe shared by a friend, but here is a similar one I found via Cupcake Decorating Ideas.

I am no Martha Stewart, but I have to admit that I rather enjoyed the sweet smells and warmth in the kitchen that night. It was a nice and relaxing way to end a long work week, and made me look forward to a weekend filled with smiles and memorable times.

Shades of Autumn.

What a perfectly wonderful, and colorful, weekend.


Not only were Manfriend and I able to spend a few quiet, intimate hours together before his business trip this upcoming week, we also got to do some Fall and Halloween activities with family and friends!

Early Saturday morning, Manfriend and I headed to Butler's Orchard for the Pumpkin Festival where we met up with my relatives and cousins (a total of nine adults and seven children!).

It was my first time at a pumpkin patch, and I had so much fun hanging out with the kids! Although, I could probably pass off as a big child myself, no? In any case, I definitely screamed like a baby later that night when we all went to Markoff's Haunted Forest!