Short and tiny.

I am having such a great reading week so far. Thank you to my husband and my blogger Secret Santa friend.

The Other Language by Francesca Marciano

There is something to be revered about the successful short story writer - I am convinced it's a mix of part art, part science, part innate talent. Many of the characters were better developed, with more personal depth achieved in a few pages, than entire chapters from some novels out there. From a never-before worn, yet endlessly adored Chanel dress to learning a new language to sharing an intimate experience with thousands as one, I am a big believer in books finding their way to you when you need them the most. This one was exactly it. 

The Tiny Book of Tiny Stories (Vol. 1 & 2) by Joseph Gordon-Levitt

As if any of us had another reason to love on JGL, he mentally architects this creative concept series and then collaboratively engineers it into fruition with the beautiful, brilliant, poignant works of anon writers and artists everywhere. I just sat there, in wonder. 

A complete life.

And so the year is coming to an end, soon, and as if on cue, a scheduled recurring habit, I always feel a tinge of nostalgia. 

These last few years have been some of the best ones of my life, and in spite of my social circles shrinking from year to year, and my days becoming less complicated, I have never felt more full, more whole. 

2014 was the culmination of so many dreams come true. He carried me through the door into our first home together. I walked across the graduation stage as they called my name. I wore a crown of flowers in my hair and danced with childhood friends until I could no longer feel my body, just the music and laughter. 

There are days where I wish I could store every single memory to adore them, over and over again. And yet I know their beauty resides in the moment, in the being, that is fleeting, evading.  

It'll always feel like the first Christmas

Our first Christmas together, five years ago, he had built for me a small nightstand, white in color, imperfect in its construction, an English version of Le Petit Prince carefully stacked between other titles while my cousins gifted me the original version, in French, that same year. 

I have had four different addresses recorded to my name since then and gasped out loud at his suggestion of donating the item, made with love from his two hands, when we moved in our new home the first week of this soon-to-be past year. 

Hands that continue to build and fix and make this home more his and mine and ours together. That is his love language to me while I am still trying to find out my own for him. 

And while we sat there, buried in blankets with no heat in the house, him caressing me while I grasped on to a vintage book he managed to track down for me, both of us breathing quietly, staring at the Christmas lights illuminating our faces and bodies across the living room, he said things to me that made the illusion of time between then and now oscillate between five hours and five decades all at once. 

All is well because we understand each other. All is well because we have each other.

Being a girl.

Becoming a woman. It's sort of overrated in some ways, isn't it? I'll always be a girl at heart -- a hint of wildness; a glint of mischief; always curious.

The old, with new eyes.

In another life I would have become an architect. But I lacked the focus and discipline to make it past ARCH101 in college,

so now I appreciate the fact that there are two architects in the family, and that my husband always loves (tolerates?) going on antiquing adventures with me. 

I have always loved learning the history of things. Everyone has a story.

Annual review.

My current company's annual performance review process is slightly different from what I'm used to with my previous employers. Whereas most people receive their bonuses and raises at the end of the year, we receive them in the first quarter of the following one.

I'll admit it wasn't particularly helpful coming up on the holidays in my first year here with no extra funds for Christmas presents, but then I realized, most (if not all) of my bonuses have always gone straight into my savings accounts anyway, so actually receiving it was more for peace of mind than anything.

Peace of mind. Now that we've purchased a home together and considerably depleted our bank accounts in the process (damn that down payment and closing costs!), I think I've subconsciously started to worry more about things that I previously wasn't as worried about, like job security.

Actually, I'm mostly just worried about job security -- especially in this economy, nothing's ever guaranteed, although TIME reports things are looking slightly better. That, and the CEO of my company recently extended his employment contract for another six years here, so I'll take my and Husband's decision to move to MD as a good sign of things to come.

I realized over the weekend that I've been, more or less, working since high school, when I was 15. My first foray into being an entrepreneur involved teaching piano to my grandmother's neighbor's children, while my first "real", tax-paying job was as an activities assistant at the nursing home down the street.

Although it's been well over a decade since those very first paychecks, and I've gone down many other paths since then, I still feel so lost and unsure -- and, most damning of all, still unfulfilled.

Reflecting back, I've only experienced true happiness -- that is, true bliss where my professional work and life is concerned -- in very short, very infrequent bursts since those early days.

Admittedly, those enjoyable moments have been more frequent in recent years, through freelancing projects and school. My thesis topic, also, brings me much joy and passion as much as it makes me feel anxious and stressed out as graduation inches closer and closer.

But the fact remains that I've always felt this constant, incessant need to "find my calling", so to speak, and that void remains glaringly, largely unfilled. A feeling most characteristic of my generation, perhaps, but even more so, a feeling most characteristic of creative, wild souls like mine, more probably.

May 2014 get me there.

I am so silly.

Husband and I recently asked each other, 

"What do you want for Christmas this year?"

I thought about it.

And thought about it.

And all I could think of was, 

I am so silly. Everything I want is silly.

...

I mean, wouldn't you want a pet piglet (or two), too?

Quality time.

It's been a tough eight weeks for my first term this Fall semester, but I am so glad it is FINALLY over. Now the waiting for final grades begins and I am hoping my GPA remains just as perfectly untainted.

Let me tell you: Building a fashion start-up with three strangers-turned-partners was beyond stressful (especially while working full-time and freelancing on the side), but our (fictitious) business was deemed most viable and likely to succeed after each team presented their pitch. Yes!

To celebrate my few days of freedom until the start of the second term next week, the Fiancé and I took a short Satur-date day trip to Ladew Topiary Gardens for some quality time with each other and Mother Nature. On our way back home, we randomly stumbled on a farm/pumpkin patch and picked up some crunchy pumpkin chocolate-flavored popcorn, along with a warm apple caramel walnut pie.

We then topped off the night with dinner at a local hot pot restaurant, which fully hit the spot after an entire day outside enjoying the beautiful but brisker, cooler autumn weather.

I then agreed to get into the spirit of Halloween by watching Evil Dead II with the Fiancé. He is a horror movie JUNKIE while I am a complete pussy, scaredy cat. I screamed my head off and now I'm still awake because I'm afraid I'll have nightmares when I fall asleep.

The little things. Always the little things.

Sunday Funday.

Cup of tea; granola waffles with blueberry preserves; mixed berries yogurt; my thoughts, and my laptop.

Writing, and setting my writing schedule and assignment deadlines for the week, is what I'm doing this morning. And I couldn't be happier.

As an amazing 2012 winds down, I find myself reflecting on some important life lessons I've learned this past year...

• Don't just ask - negotiate.
• Say no to things that do not nourish you.  This includes people.
• Take control of your career, because no one else will do it for you.
• Dig deeper until you find or obtain what you want.
• No matter how hectic life can get, always carve out quality time for loved ones.  Always.

Provided the Mayans were wrong, and the world doesn't end on December 31, 2012, I am looking forward to 2013 with every single fiber in my being.  

He proposed.

And lucky, lucky me.  I get to hold on to those amazing million little moments, again and again and again.

And then time keeps moving forward.

I ran into some old friends earlier over the weekend, while out celebrating my mother's birthday after mass at the National Shrine. 

It has been a few years since I have hung out with them regularly, but it was so easy to hug them and congratulate them both as they are expecting their first child soon.  The father-to-be was beaming, the mother-to-be was glowing, and my heart was smiling incessantly for the both of them.  We all marveled at how quickly time has flown by, and I remarked that in the few years since we last saw each other, these two have bought a house, gotten married, and gotten pregnant, while I have had three different addresses in the past year alone, and still no ring on that special finger yet. 

I didn't mean to come across as being a downer, or make it sound like a race -- and I sure as hell hope that they didn't think I was envious of them! -- but I am afraid it might have come across that way. 

But our conversation led me to realize that I really am genuinely happy where I am right now in my life.  I love walking to work every morning, I am proud to be part of an extremely creative and innovative company, I enjoy my studies tremendously, and I don't even know where to start in regards to my amazing family, friends, and Manfriend.  In between, I have had unique opportunities to give back to the community, starting with teaching a law class this Thursday (at my old highschool, no less!) and speaking on behalf of the breast cancer clinic I advocate for this Saturday at a school event.  Next month, I'll be one of 36 "personal shoppers" who will be helping underprivileged highschool girls pick out their perfect prom dress and accessories at my work.

My conversation with my old friends also made me realize that, despite my fears of not becoming a good wife or a good mother or even a good leader, I really do want all of these things, one day.  And I have faith that, in due time, with the hard work I put in now, I'll be ready for that "one day" when it arrives!

Embracing another New Year.

For 2012, I'll be living the life I always imagined -- waking up with the sun, going above and beyond at work, doing my best in school, wander around the city, traveling to others, spending time with my loved ones, kissing the man who has my heart, laughing with my girlfriends, making time for writing, reading every night before bed.

What more could anyone ever want?

Moving on.

I am getting ready to move once again, right after the New Year. It will be my fourth move in less than a year, but I am quite excited for this new space. 

The apartment itself is old, and nothing to brag about. But it is a gated complex, with free parking, pool, and gym; shopping, food, and movie theater nearby in downtown suburbia, and ten-minute walking distance from work. But even better than that, I will be getting the master bedroom, which is bathed in an abundance of bright, natural light, generous closet real estate, and my own bathroom. 

I haven't started to pack my belongings yet, but am already imagining how I will make this new place my own. I went through so, so much this past year, but I am grateful for each and every moment. It made this life mine, and it is with a peaceful heart that I am welcoming the new year.

Cheers to 2012.

Happy face.

Despite a dismal day in DC today, and even more sad weather reports of 70% chance of rain and snow in New York this pre-Halloween weekend, this gray but absolutely great photo from Ben Heine put on a happy face on mine as well.

Check out the rest here.

May I never be.

May I never be complete.
May I never be content.
May I never be perfect.

- Chuck Palahniuk

May we never become complacent or indifferent to all that surrounds us. Happiest Friday.

Mother Nature.

Last Saturday, Manfriend and I went on a six-hour hike with our recently wedded friends on Old Rag Mountain.

The fog and morning air. The fall foliage. The sun. The sky. The view, from way up there. 

It was amazing, and overwhelming, and perfect, and decaying, and dying, and most of all, it was beautiful. It all filled me up with something I can't quite describe; can't quite put into words. 

In the age of social networking, information overload, and endless competition - in my everyday life of noisy commutes, and hustle and bustle of city living, and personal pursuit of knowledge and lofty aspirations - at the very peak of that mountain, in those very moments, I was so relieved and content to simply just be.

Painting smiles.

There is a partner at my firm, whose office is a few doors down the hallway from me.

He has been with us for about a year, and not a day goes by that he comes into work without whistling or singing a tune -- loudly, and slightly off-key, but always without any apology.

Although I have heard other people complain, his humming always leaves me incredibly amused. In fact, it is from this small and simple act of his that I have since been inspired to implement three daily goals:

To act, speak, and think authentically without letting anyone else's opinions affect me.

To always remember that it is the little things that make the bigger differences.

To never let a day go by without painting a smile on another's face.

Living your strongest and happiest life.

I've found that the universe always has an uncanny way of leaving you little hints of what's to come; always showing you that you are on the right (or wrong!) path, with small signs here and there to guide you along the way.

All you have to do, is take notice, and listen; to be prepared and armed with a plan, ready for action.

Not too long after I wrote about my resolve to be (and become, still) a happier person a few days ago, I received in my inbox an interesting newletter article from SUCCESS Magazine titled, "Come on and get happy."

*looks around*.

*points to self*.

Wait. Who should be getting (more) happy, me?

Oh, yeah. Me.

The article referred to a study conducted by the National Bureau of Economic Research, where research suggested that life satisfaction, particularly among women, is declining. Data pulled from the study, which involved over 45,000 women over a period of 40 years, pointed to two things: that not only are we less happy than our male counterparts, but that we are also gradually becoming less and less happy, period.

I was both relieved, yet appalled when I read this. Relieved because it feels good not to be alone in my discontent, but completely appalled because we aren't the helpless, passive, or reactive sex that society seems to (still) make us out to be. We can totally do something about this. We can actively and fully regain and embrace our power to be happy.

But perhaps the bigger question on everyone's mind is, how?

I then found out about Marcus Buckingham, a New York Times bestselling author, motivational speaker, and all-around personal strengths expert, who tackled the subject of women's happiness in his book, Find Your Strongest Life: What the Happiest and Most Successful Women Do Differently. According to him, the happiest and most successful women of our time exhibited certain similarities, such as:

• focusing their lives on their best moments;
• letting go of what doesn't strengthen them;
• and, perhaps the most important one of all to me, accepting who they are.

More specifically, he urges women to explore the role they were born to play -- and then play it well.

(To find out your role, you can take his quiz at StrongLifeTest.com, which gives you a number of different hypothetical situations, with a variety of possible decision choices for each. The choice you make in each situation then indicates your interests, strengths, and the corresponding role that's likely to be most fulfilling for you.)

"Knowing your role is like having a compass providing direction on where to find happiness," he says. "The test provides a clear distinction of your biggest strength and suggests career moves that match those strengths."

Now, as we all know, women play a multitude of roles these days, from mothers, daughters, and sisters, to executives, consultants, or assistants. But I think Buckingham's on to something here, and I'm just mad he jumped on it before I (or anyone else) did.

After taking the quiz a few times over the past few days, and consistently scoring the "Creator" role each and every time, I've realized that I am at my best -- and, ultimately, happiest -- when I am developing new content, writing or blogging, brainstorming ideas or implementing new systems, or even just randomly doodling on the side of my notebook during meetings.

And although this realization was more of a reaffirmation of my existing strengths versus a more epic A-HA! moment of utter clarity, I took this as a good sign that I am doing something right; that even though my current job is nowhere near what I envision myself doing down the line, "for the rest of my life", at least I am creating, and finding, opportunities for myself to get to that point, one day.

And, you better believe I will appreciate it so much more when I do.

There are the happy people of Bali. And then there's me.

One of the things that left such a deep impression on me during my time in Bali, was the strong, omnipresent sense of spirituality that guide the Balinese people in their everyday lives. Over 90% of the Balinese are Hindu, and their devotion to their religion is greatly apparent, no matter where you are on the island.

Temples with beautiful, spacious courtyards, and intricate sculptures were at every turn. The smell of incense permeated the air at every other hour, past every other corner. You could not take more than a few steps before you risked walking on some small offerings -- flowers, fruits, candy, and sometimes even cigarettes, tucked in little woven, leaf boxes on the ground or random sidewalk nooks.

It was all so wonderful to behold, and being able to witness the peaceful, gentle manner in which these people went about their daily, simple routines was truly a blessing. Despite their troubles, everyone I met seemed so content; so at ease, and at peace, with their place and role in the world.

This got me thinking about my own daily life back home, in the States, and how unhappy I've been for a very long time now. I was never really sure how, nor when, this chronic dissatisfaction started, exactly. I just knew that no matter how often I smiled or laughed out loud -- no matter how genuinely happy I was in that moment -- there was always the tiniest sense of emptiness; a hollowness that would echo back within me when the silence settled back down again deep down inside my core.

Reading a friend's recent blog entry made me realize that I, too, was an incredibly happy child who learned to create her own happy moments when times were less than ideal or sad. As I grew up, I never relied on anyone else to entertain me or comfort me when I was upset or frustrated. Now that I am an adult, I am sometimes accused of being "too independent", or "emotionally distant and cold", not allowing anyone to support me or help me when I need it the most. Sometimes, however, being strong is merely a cover up for weakness underneath. In my case, I let the stress and anxiety build up inside, and then it all comes out at the most inopportune moments. Misdirected anger. Uncontrollable crying, shaking, sobbing. In the past year or so, I started becoming someone I don't really recognize anymore.

First comes the awareness that the problem exists. Now comes the time for some major changes to take place.

It is so easy to forget that we are the only ones responsible for our own happiness. It is even easier to rely on other people or external factors as our primary source of joy. I may have just returned from an amazing trip abroad, but another journey is ahead of me now, one that needs to start from within.

Because happiness is a daily habit. And I intend to make it one of my best ones from now on.

Choosing happiness.

It's a decision.