Being a girl.

Becoming a woman. It's sort of overrated in some ways, isn't it? I'll always be a girl at heart -- a hint of wildness; a glint of mischief; always curious.

Annual review.

My current company's annual performance review process is slightly different from what I'm used to with my previous employers. Whereas most people receive their bonuses and raises at the end of the year, we receive them in the first quarter of the following one.

I'll admit it wasn't particularly helpful coming up on the holidays in my first year here with no extra funds for Christmas presents, but then I realized, most (if not all) of my bonuses have always gone straight into my savings accounts anyway, so actually receiving it was more for peace of mind than anything.

Peace of mind. Now that we've purchased a home together and considerably depleted our bank accounts in the process (damn that down payment and closing costs!), I think I've subconsciously started to worry more about things that I previously wasn't as worried about, like job security.

Actually, I'm mostly just worried about job security -- especially in this economy, nothing's ever guaranteed, although TIME reports things are looking slightly better. That, and the CEO of my company recently extended his employment contract for another six years here, so I'll take my and Husband's decision to move to MD as a good sign of things to come.

I realized over the weekend that I've been, more or less, working since high school, when I was 15. My first foray into being an entrepreneur involved teaching piano to my grandmother's neighbor's children, while my first "real", tax-paying job was as an activities assistant at the nursing home down the street.

Although it's been well over a decade since those very first paychecks, and I've gone down many other paths since then, I still feel so lost and unsure -- and, most damning of all, still unfulfilled.

Reflecting back, I've only experienced true happiness -- that is, true bliss where my professional work and life is concerned -- in very short, very infrequent bursts since those early days.

Admittedly, those enjoyable moments have been more frequent in recent years, through freelancing projects and school. My thesis topic, also, brings me much joy and passion as much as it makes me feel anxious and stressed out as graduation inches closer and closer.

But the fact remains that I've always felt this constant, incessant need to "find my calling", so to speak, and that void remains glaringly, largely unfilled. A feeling most characteristic of my generation, perhaps, but even more so, a feeling most characteristic of creative, wild souls like mine, more probably.

May 2014 get me there.

Day 3 - Your parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

I'm sure that, under different circumstances, in a different frame of mind and moment in time, I would write something more positive and substantive and far less abrasive.

But tonight... tonight, I have no other words to say to you, other than the following:

You have been unkind to me these last few months and I still cannot fathom why you refuse to attend my wedding due to "religious" reasons when you have committed some of the biggest sins according to the Bible. I am no longer upset with you, but the distance between us keeps growing and growing, and for some reason, I am okay with that. I am not sad, I am not mad, only deeply disappointed.

I am your daughter, your one and only and oldest one, but there are days where I truly feel like we are complete strangers to each other and I find myself wondering why I still bother.

And then time keeps moving forward.

I ran into some old friends earlier over the weekend, while out celebrating my mother's birthday after mass at the National Shrine. 

It has been a few years since I have hung out with them regularly, but it was so easy to hug them and congratulate them both as they are expecting their first child soon.  The father-to-be was beaming, the mother-to-be was glowing, and my heart was smiling incessantly for the both of them.  We all marveled at how quickly time has flown by, and I remarked that in the few years since we last saw each other, these two have bought a house, gotten married, and gotten pregnant, while I have had three different addresses in the past year alone, and still no ring on that special finger yet. 

I didn't mean to come across as being a downer, or make it sound like a race -- and I sure as hell hope that they didn't think I was envious of them! -- but I am afraid it might have come across that way. 

But our conversation led me to realize that I really am genuinely happy where I am right now in my life.  I love walking to work every morning, I am proud to be part of an extremely creative and innovative company, I enjoy my studies tremendously, and I don't even know where to start in regards to my amazing family, friends, and Manfriend.  In between, I have had unique opportunities to give back to the community, starting with teaching a law class this Thursday (at my old highschool, no less!) and speaking on behalf of the breast cancer clinic I advocate for this Saturday at a school event.  Next month, I'll be one of 36 "personal shoppers" who will be helping underprivileged highschool girls pick out their perfect prom dress and accessories at my work.

My conversation with my old friends also made me realize that, despite my fears of not becoming a good wife or a good mother or even a good leader, I really do want all of these things, one day.  And I have faith that, in due time, with the hard work I put in now, I'll be ready for that "one day" when it arrives!

Cooking -- with you, and for you.

I think I am one of the luckiest girls out there, as Manfriend loves to cook -- and he's a great one, at that.  On one of our earliest dates, he made me a delicious Thai-themed three-course meal, with pork spring rolls, red curry duck, and a medley of mango desserts.  I remember telling myself to wait at least a week to officially fall in love with him after that night's dinner!

Some of my favorite moments in our relationship involve us simply cooking together.  Whether it's a quick breakfast on lazy Sundays, or more elaborate recipes inspired by our foodie cravings du jour, I really love the time we spend in his (and sometimes my) kitchen.  Mind you, cooking was probably one of my least enjoyable activities before I met him -- and, admittedly, it still kind of is -- but he has been such a wonderful, patient, and humble teacher, that his enthusiasm for picking out the right spices and slicing and dicing vegetables just the right way has quietly transferred onto me over the past two years. 

Since living on my own, it has truly been a daunting task to force myself to cook for, well, myself.  To be quite honest, there are days where I am eyeing my stash of cookies and other assorted snacks and I come very, very close to qualifying them all as "dinner".  (Oh, the shame!) 

But I have also realized that the better I eat, the more energy and focus I have at work and at school.  This knowledge alone has really helped fuel my desire to eat healthy and be more careful about what I feed my body.  The fact that I am now paying my way towards a graduate degree has also reinforced my willingness to save money by cooking at home, versus eating out. 

So far, my repertoire mainly consists of chicken and vegetable soup and a variety of pastas.  I know, nothing to brag, but coming from someone who previously only knew how to make omelets and scrambled eggs, I'm excited to see what I can cook up next!

Embracing another New Year.

For 2012, I'll be living the life I always imagined -- waking up with the sun, going above and beyond at work, doing my best in school, wander around the city, traveling to others, spending time with my loved ones, kissing the man who has my heart, laughing with my girlfriends, making time for writing, reading every night before bed.

What more could anyone ever want?

Moving on.

I am getting ready to move once again, right after the New Year. It will be my fourth move in less than a year, but I am quite excited for this new space. 

The apartment itself is old, and nothing to brag about. But it is a gated complex, with free parking, pool, and gym; shopping, food, and movie theater nearby in downtown suburbia, and ten-minute walking distance from work. But even better than that, I will be getting the master bedroom, which is bathed in an abundance of bright, natural light, generous closet real estate, and my own bathroom. 

I haven't started to pack my belongings yet, but am already imagining how I will make this new place my own. I went through so, so much this past year, but I am grateful for each and every moment. It made this life mine, and it is with a peaceful heart that I am welcoming the new year.

Cheers to 2012.

Where would you go?

I've been with my firm for nearly three years. I now have three days left here.

It still feels surreal that I am, indeed, leaving.

My new boss insisted that I take the next week off before joining my new team and company, and... well...

I am not really sure what I will do, or where I will go during my mini-vacation -- if I had endless financial reserves at my disposal, I would have flown to Greece or Rome.

But some reason, renting a cute little Volkswagen bug, and embarking on a solo roadtrip with no real destination, seems like an attractive (and perhaps likely) option right at this moment.
 
Who knows where I will end up from here on out.

Women need real moments.

"Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away."

- Barbara De Angelis

...

I've always known this.

And in addition to knowing it and embracing it, I am infinitely fortunate to have met a man who not only understands this need of mine, but also encourages it and reminds me of it when my life gets a little hectic and I forget about taking care of myself before I take care of others.

May I never be.

May I never be complete.
May I never be content.
May I never be perfect.

- Chuck Palahniuk

May we never become complacent or indifferent to all that surrounds us. Happiest Friday.

Follow your bliss.

“Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”

- Steve Jobs

The beauty of life - my life - is that I have a wide range of possibilities and opportunities at my disposal. Maybe more than some people. Maybe even more than many people.

In accepting this realization with graciousness and gratefulness, I am also reminding myself to listen to my own voice. The past two months have been challenging - balancing work, grad school, interviews, extracurriculars, family matters, while also trying to keep sane, and looking for that "next step". Moving forward, I need to, once again, redefine my priorities. 

I know I'll have the courage to follow my bliss. Right now, I just need to focus on what that is, exactly. 

Utterly angry.

I am so angry; angry at someone so close to me.

I have long seen this person as a victim, but clearly, you have made your decision.

Time and time again, you choose to remain where you are - flailing helplessly, when you already know how to swim.

I should give up on you; cut all ties, and say goodbye. But I can't.

I can't because you've always been a part of me.

For better or worse, you will always be a part of me.

Labor of love.

I haven't had much time for leisure writing these days.

Part of me knows that this is bullshit. That it takes 10 seconds to log in, and another ten minutes to type out something - anything. But part of me also feels perfectly justified in my neglect of this blog as of late.

As of late, in between working and volunteering, I have been busy preparing for interviews and class presentations, dealing with some unfortunate family matters, as well as doing an insane amount of reading and studying for school. There's probably more in there somewhere, but drafting a laundry list of complaints isn't my intention here.

My intention here, with this blog entry, comes from the fact that I've been at my absolute happiest in a very long time. I celebrated my birthday last week, and have realized just how much I have changed -- how many challenges I've braved, and how much beauty I have seen -- in a matter of a year.

Year after year, I realize more and more that each of our lives, is a labor of love.

Inject your life with love -- for yourself, for those you care most around you, for your dreams and goals and those of others. Love first, and happiness will then follow.

I always feel.

"I always feel like I’m struggling to become someone else. Like I’m trying to find a new place, grab hold of a new life, a new personality. I guess it’s part of growing up, yet it’s also an attempt to reinvent myself. By becoming a different me, I could free myself of everything.

I seriously believed I could escape myself- as long as I made the effort. But I always hit a dead end. No matter where I go, I still end up me. What’s missing never changes. The scenery may change, but I’m still the same old incomplete person. The same missing elements torture me with a hunger that I can never satisfy. I guess that lack itself is as close as I’ll come to define myself.

For your sake, I’d like to become a new person. It may not be easy, but if I give it my best shot, perhaps I can manage to change. The truth is, though, if put in the same situation again, I might very well do the same thing all over. I might very well hurt you all over again.

I can’t promise anything. That’s what I meant when I said I had no right. I just don’t have the confidence to win over that force in me."

- From one of my most favorite authors, Haruki Murakami

Moving in a different direction.

I received some disappointing news recently about a job I had applied to nearly two months ago.

It was a process that took much longer than both sides anticipated (punctuated by my being out of the country for two weeks, I'm sure) as we went through several interviews and conversations. In the end, the Senior Vice-President sent me a letter, with two complimentary tickets to the organization's (amazing) museum, with no formal offer for me to accept.

Maybe this last act served to soften up the blow, but I highly appreciated the generosity. I honestly never knew a rejection letter could sound so gracious -- which made it mildly more sad that I will not be joining the department. Everyone was genuinely nice and personable, and it was probably one, if not the, most enjoyable "interviews" I have ever had. We all shared quite a few laughs, and the same sense of dry, sarcastic humor. My could-have-been boss and I talked about various topics like fashion, travel, and books, and he even emailed me an incredibly flattering note regarding my accomplishments and abilities the day after we met.

But, to be completely frank, the disappointment was incredibly shortlived. Because the words that stayed with me the longest -- long after I had heard and read them and folded the letter and its contents away -- were "moving in a different direction". Because it was in that rejection that a realization also came to light; that even though I greatly admired the organization and its mission, the bulk of the position itself did not align with my strengths and interests. And so, to be completely frank once again, I am mostly just more relieved that I can now move on.

Because that's what it all it comes down to, no? We keep on moving, moving, moving in a new direction. Everything happens for a reason.

Living your strongest and happiest life.

I've found that the universe always has an uncanny way of leaving you little hints of what's to come; always showing you that you are on the right (or wrong!) path, with small signs here and there to guide you along the way.

All you have to do, is take notice, and listen; to be prepared and armed with a plan, ready for action.

Not too long after I wrote about my resolve to be (and become, still) a happier person a few days ago, I received in my inbox an interesting newletter article from SUCCESS Magazine titled, "Come on and get happy."

*looks around*.

*points to self*.

Wait. Who should be getting (more) happy, me?

Oh, yeah. Me.

The article referred to a study conducted by the National Bureau of Economic Research, where research suggested that life satisfaction, particularly among women, is declining. Data pulled from the study, which involved over 45,000 women over a period of 40 years, pointed to two things: that not only are we less happy than our male counterparts, but that we are also gradually becoming less and less happy, period.

I was both relieved, yet appalled when I read this. Relieved because it feels good not to be alone in my discontent, but completely appalled because we aren't the helpless, passive, or reactive sex that society seems to (still) make us out to be. We can totally do something about this. We can actively and fully regain and embrace our power to be happy.

But perhaps the bigger question on everyone's mind is, how?

I then found out about Marcus Buckingham, a New York Times bestselling author, motivational speaker, and all-around personal strengths expert, who tackled the subject of women's happiness in his book, Find Your Strongest Life: What the Happiest and Most Successful Women Do Differently. According to him, the happiest and most successful women of our time exhibited certain similarities, such as:

• focusing their lives on their best moments;
• letting go of what doesn't strengthen them;
• and, perhaps the most important one of all to me, accepting who they are.

More specifically, he urges women to explore the role they were born to play -- and then play it well.

(To find out your role, you can take his quiz at StrongLifeTest.com, which gives you a number of different hypothetical situations, with a variety of possible decision choices for each. The choice you make in each situation then indicates your interests, strengths, and the corresponding role that's likely to be most fulfilling for you.)

"Knowing your role is like having a compass providing direction on where to find happiness," he says. "The test provides a clear distinction of your biggest strength and suggests career moves that match those strengths."

Now, as we all know, women play a multitude of roles these days, from mothers, daughters, and sisters, to executives, consultants, or assistants. But I think Buckingham's on to something here, and I'm just mad he jumped on it before I (or anyone else) did.

After taking the quiz a few times over the past few days, and consistently scoring the "Creator" role each and every time, I've realized that I am at my best -- and, ultimately, happiest -- when I am developing new content, writing or blogging, brainstorming ideas or implementing new systems, or even just randomly doodling on the side of my notebook during meetings.

And although this realization was more of a reaffirmation of my existing strengths versus a more epic A-HA! moment of utter clarity, I took this as a good sign that I am doing something right; that even though my current job is nowhere near what I envision myself doing down the line, "for the rest of my life", at least I am creating, and finding, opportunities for myself to get to that point, one day.

And, you better believe I will appreciate it so much more when I do.

There are the happy people of Bali. And then there's me.

One of the things that left such a deep impression on me during my time in Bali, was the strong, omnipresent sense of spirituality that guide the Balinese people in their everyday lives. Over 90% of the Balinese are Hindu, and their devotion to their religion is greatly apparent, no matter where you are on the island.

Temples with beautiful, spacious courtyards, and intricate sculptures were at every turn. The smell of incense permeated the air at every other hour, past every other corner. You could not take more than a few steps before you risked walking on some small offerings -- flowers, fruits, candy, and sometimes even cigarettes, tucked in little woven, leaf boxes on the ground or random sidewalk nooks.

It was all so wonderful to behold, and being able to witness the peaceful, gentle manner in which these people went about their daily, simple routines was truly a blessing. Despite their troubles, everyone I met seemed so content; so at ease, and at peace, with their place and role in the world.

This got me thinking about my own daily life back home, in the States, and how unhappy I've been for a very long time now. I was never really sure how, nor when, this chronic dissatisfaction started, exactly. I just knew that no matter how often I smiled or laughed out loud -- no matter how genuinely happy I was in that moment -- there was always the tiniest sense of emptiness; a hollowness that would echo back within me when the silence settled back down again deep down inside my core.

Reading a friend's recent blog entry made me realize that I, too, was an incredibly happy child who learned to create her own happy moments when times were less than ideal or sad. As I grew up, I never relied on anyone else to entertain me or comfort me when I was upset or frustrated. Now that I am an adult, I am sometimes accused of being "too independent", or "emotionally distant and cold", not allowing anyone to support me or help me when I need it the most. Sometimes, however, being strong is merely a cover up for weakness underneath. In my case, I let the stress and anxiety build up inside, and then it all comes out at the most inopportune moments. Misdirected anger. Uncontrollable crying, shaking, sobbing. In the past year or so, I started becoming someone I don't really recognize anymore.

First comes the awareness that the problem exists. Now comes the time for some major changes to take place.

It is so easy to forget that we are the only ones responsible for our own happiness. It is even easier to rely on other people or external factors as our primary source of joy. I may have just returned from an amazing trip abroad, but another journey is ahead of me now, one that needs to start from within.

Because happiness is a daily habit. And I intend to make it one of my best ones from now on.

There are no wrong turns.

Things have not been easy. And my heart doesn't realize it's still hurting so deeply until I am alone, in the dark.

In the darkness, the silence whispers to me stories of memories and moments with you. In the darkness, I can't pretend to forget; the sobs escaping my chest are reminders that I will always remember.

It's painful, when you realize that some journeys are meant to be traveled on your own; that in order to go forward, you must leave certain things, people, or places behind. There's always the tendency and desire to hold on, but I've learned time and time again that you cannot move on without letting go. Otherwise, you risk betraying your own soul; your own potential to grow.

But there has always been something freeing in getting lost. For oftentimes, it is while getting lost that we usually find our own way again.

I'm finding my own way again. And up ahead, where I am heading, there are no wrong turns.

The laws of the universe.

There are moments where I want to scold time and tell it to stand absolutely still. Like the first time you whispered into my ear that you loved me, on a warm and balmy summer night just like tonight, on a bench in a half-forgotten, isolated park in the middle of the city. Or the time you reached for me through the early morning fog, pulling me closer against your chest, our bodies melding into each other's so perfectly, our hearts beating in tandem with a faraway mosque's call to prayer.

I wish. I wish I can freeze time indefinitely as I please. So that today is still tomorrow, and tomorrow will be today, still, extending over the course of numerous days and weeks and maybe even months to come, where time has no authority over us; where time doesn't change anything between us; where time is always exactly where it's supposed to be for either of us. 

But the laws of the universe forbids this. And so I move on, powerless against the seconds and minutes of time; weightless, like a graying, dying dandelion, its seeds being blown apart, its pieces carried away into the wind. 

There is no turning back, I know. And although time will never stand still for anyone, at the very least, it always offers us the chance to heal; the luxury of starting over all again. 

The funny thing about fairy tales is.

The funny thing about fairy tales, is that we forget about them so fast
And we grow up, we buy things, we build up fences
We sell our innocence and forget our dreams
We forget who we are in order to be something we're not
And we'll keep believing in these so called truths, until we forget how to live
Or until we open our eyes, and wake up.


Intentio - Trailer from Loïc Wirth on Vimeo.

I haven't stumbled on a poignant video on Vimeo in a while, but this one pulled at the heartstrings on too many different levels not to share.

Photography, Editing, Filming and Direction by Loïc Wirth
Narration by Vernon Deck
"In a Broken Dream" performed by UNKLE