Taking the first steps.

There are days where I don't feel sufficiently ambitious. Days where I don't feel like being competitive or cutthroat, largely because I find it to be rather exhausting. That and truth be told, I don't particularly care to be. Whereas some may enter competitions for the sole purpose and satisfaction of winning and bragging about it, I personally think that on certain levels, unnecessarily competitive people are the way they are due to feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. They must know that they are better than the next person, and perhaps even more important than the knowing, there must be others around to recognize their greatness accordingly -- to reward them, and reassure them. The law is filled with these types. The law nurtures these types.

And even though I am perfectly aware that my firm's culture is significantly much more collegial than the majority of the other law firms out there, the fact still remains that I do not enjoy being an uncreative, rule-conforming corporate slave, day in and day out. I regularly crave something more -- something else -- but, perhaps, therein lies my problem: I am always craving for something more, and something else. Such is the life of the restless, I guess.

With January marking my two-year anniversary here, I keep thinking to myself that there's a reason why I am currently not in law school as planned. There's a reason why I keep delaying the process, and it's a reason worth acknowledging and listening to. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about letting others down -- I am extremely grateful to have learned and gained so much during my time here -- but I do. There's a certain sense of fear and apprehension that comes with the realization that I am in the process of getting lost again -- of starting down a new path in the new year, with only the slightest hint of where I want to go, with only the slightest glimpse of what I want to do. But sometimes, even the smallest sliver is enough to hope -- to believe -- that the road ahead is just as great as the one you left behind.