Take heart.

My father had a heart attack earlier this evening. 

He is no longer in critical condition, but they will need to keep him in the hospital for the next few days to monitor his condition. The doctor said he was lucky to be alive, with three arteries being 95% - 100% clogged.

He looked so small and weak tonight, when we were finally able to see him. I couldn't hold back my tears. The nurse teasingly asked him what upset him, and he simply replied, "Oh, nothing, I just got emotional."

It is strange how life is, sometimes, sudden and surprising and sobering. Just yesterday we were celebrating my mother and brother's joint birthdays at my parents' home and then today all of us are in a hospital waiting room doing just that -- waiting.

Unfinished business.

I was included in a local campaign recently, to celebrate women making a difference in their communities in honor of National Women's History Month, and I felt so out of place and small next to some of the women featured. 

And I thought, well, this is good, this is very good, because this only means that there is room for growth. And when you are still growing, you are  still pursuing, still hustling, still living.

... 

It was my mother's birthday this past weekend, and the weather was warm and glorious. I stopped by with a mango mousse cake and spring flowers and I could feel Husband's amused smile and the sun and yesteryears' memories enveloping me as Mother and I raconted and exchanged tales of my and my brother's childhood between us. 

It was so delightful to hear the sheer happiness and exuberance in her voice as she started telling us about her work.

"It is amazing to be surrounded by people who get you, who get your ideas, who get your vision, who don't think you're crazy," she gushed. 

"I love it. I really love it."

And I started thinking, she turned 54 this year. I hope I don't have to wait until I'm 54 to find my bliss but more than that, I hope I don't die unfinished. 

And I squeezed my husband's hand just a little harder.

The old, with new eyes.

In another life I would have become an architect. But I lacked the focus and discipline to make it past ARCH101 in college,

so now I appreciate the fact that there are two architects in the family, and that my husband always loves (tolerates?) going on antiquing adventures with me. 

I have always loved learning the history of things. Everyone has a story.

Should'ves, could'ves, would'ves.

Someone close once said to me, "That's the problem with being 'good at everything'. You can't decide on doing one thing."

So true. At least in my case.

Due to me battling sickness and the entire city battling the snow these last few days, I've been stuck indoors, doing a lot of thinking. 

I'm coming up on my last year of my twenties soon and there is a significant part of me that feels like I've wasted it. Because I did. 

I spent almost three years working in a soul-sucking job even when I knew I no longer wanted to become a lawyer. 

And even though I love my current company, I am still working in a legal capacity, which goes back to my notion of wasting time -- when you know you shouldn't be doing something, for whatever reason, but you do it anyway, out of a misplaced sense of obligation or responsibility or pride.

That's the worst kind of wasting, because it is the kind that is done out of cowardice, and a lack of courage, and fear of change. This kind brings with it its own subtle taste of bittersweet and sadness, because you thought you were better, and more brave, and ambitious than this.

But, 2014. From the very beginning I knew 2014 was going to be different somehow. 

Somehow. I just need to figure out how.

We will see.

Let's get it over with.

I've realized recently, that I am constantly in a state of becoming.

And yet I never make it a point to simply just enjoy being, instead. 

Discrepancy noted. Efforts to change to follow.