Sometimes.

Sometimes, I tell myself not to be too happy, in case something horribly tragic happens, and the fall from this up high would hurt too much and crush me to the point of no reassembly.

I lie there, at night, studying the lines defining his face, listening to his breathing, feeling his heart beating while he sleeps. And I lie there, sometimes, wondering if I will be good enough of a mother to his children, someday. If I will be strong enough to remain by his side should he ever get very, very sick, down the line. If I will be resourceful enough to keep everything and everyone together, should disaster ever strike our family.

I lie here, wondering if I will still be able to be and give him my very best, even when I feel nothing else but my very worst.

But that's just sometimes. The rest of the time, I embrace it all and just shrug off these pessimistic little voices inside my head.