The sweetest thing.

It's been really rough and I broke down sobbing and dryheaving last night because I felt so weak and exhausted and scared. 

Husband just held me and talked to me in a way only he can; that there is no use worrying until we see the doctor again tomorrow for a more recent status update and go over the latest results together with a medical professional who knows better.

Tonight he went over to fix a leak at my uncle's and grandparents' house, but not before he got me more comfort food and some oil and made sure to wait for me to come back home from work to give me a quick hug first. 

I really don't know how he ended up in my life and me in his as husband and wife, but I'm always so grateful and thankful, and hope that we will continue to have more happy moments together rather than sad ones.

The middle of nowhere.

I feel suspended in time right now.

I'm trying not to worry, but it's so, so hard.

It helps sharing the news with the ones you love most, and who love you just as much, if not more, in return. They pray and think of you when you don't have the ability and clarity of mind to.

This kind of news changes people. They do everything they can to ease your mind off of things; they tell you what they've lived through and learned and do their best to reassure you even though you haven't asked for it; they let things go instead of holding on to petty matters because there's so much hope, so many beginnings, a new chapter in this kind of news. 

It's like a collective armor of love and faith against bad karma or luck or whatever other evil lurks in the shadows. 

A miracle.

I was on the phone with my sister-in-law the other day, both of us laughing out loud at her musing that she "misses being pregnant", when I remembered that she went on to give birth to two healthy, ultra-smart kids after battling a rare form of cancer. Twice.

The human body and spirit is so amazing. I can only hope for mine to be that strong and unbreakable someday. 

A complete life.

And so the year is coming to an end, soon, and as if on cue, a scheduled recurring habit, I always feel a tinge of nostalgia. 

These last few years have been some of the best ones of my life, and in spite of my social circles shrinking from year to year, and my days becoming less complicated, I have never felt more full, more whole. 

2014 was the culmination of so many dreams come true. He carried me through the door into our first home together. I walked across the graduation stage as they called my name. I wore a crown of flowers in my hair and danced with childhood friends until I could no longer feel my body, just the music and laughter. 

There are days where I wish I could store every single memory to adore them, over and over again. And yet I know their beauty resides in the moment, in the being, that is fleeting, evading.  

It'll always feel like the first Christmas

Our first Christmas together, five years ago, he had built for me a small nightstand, white in color, imperfect in its construction, an English version of Le Petit Prince carefully stacked between other titles while my cousins gifted me the original version, in French, that same year. 

I have had four different addresses recorded to my name since then and gasped out loud at his suggestion of donating the item, made with love from his two hands, when we moved in our new home the first week of this soon-to-be past year. 

Hands that continue to build and fix and make this home more his and mine and ours together. That is his love language to me while I am still trying to find out my own for him. 

And while we sat there, buried in blankets with no heat in the house, him caressing me while I grasped on to a vintage book he managed to track down for me, both of us breathing quietly, staring at the Christmas lights illuminating our faces and bodies across the living room, he said things to me that made the illusion of time between then and now oscillate between five hours and five decades all at once. 

All is well because we understand each other. All is well because we have each other.

Being a girl.

Becoming a woman. It's sort of overrated in some ways, isn't it? I'll always be a girl at heart -- a hint of wildness; a glint of mischief; always curious.

The old, with new eyes.

In another life I would have become an architect. But I lacked the focus and discipline to make it past ARCH101 in college,

so now I appreciate the fact that there are two architects in the family, and that my husband always loves (tolerates?) going on antiquing adventures with me. 

I have always loved learning the history of things. Everyone has a story.

I am so silly.

Husband and I recently asked each other, 

"What do you want for Christmas this year?"

I thought about it.

And thought about it.

And all I could think of was, 

I am so silly. Everything I want is silly.

...

I mean, wouldn't you want a pet piglet (or two), too?

Day 3 - Your parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

I'm sure that, under different circumstances, in a different frame of mind and moment in time, I would write something more positive and substantive and far less abrasive.

But tonight... tonight, I have no other words to say to you, other than the following:

You have been unkind to me these last few months and I still cannot fathom why you refuse to attend my wedding due to "religious" reasons when you have committed some of the biggest sins according to the Bible. I am no longer upset with you, but the distance between us keeps growing and growing, and for some reason, I am okay with that. I am not sad, I am not mad, only deeply disappointed.

I am your daughter, your one and only and oldest one, but there are days where I truly feel like we are complete strangers to each other and I find myself wondering why I still bother.

Find something.

"Find something you're passionate about and stay tremendously interested in it."

- Julia Child

Passion fades, but you can always grow and nurture your curiosities and interests.

Always.

After years of making it a personal and professional goal to be a "writer", I finally consider myself one and it just feels like ... like home. A very happy and comfy one.

Actually.

"Actually, the best gift you could have given her was a lifetime of adventures."

- Unknown

That includes love, because love is a wacky, wonderful, weird and worldly experience of its own.

Sad.

Sad that real life starts up again tomorrow, but grateful that we didn't experience any major damage or power outage from the storm.

To be honest, it was really romantic being stuck indoors together while the rain and winds howled outside, although I am definitely thankful we know exactly when and how to give each other space when we both need it.

Quality time.

It's been a tough eight weeks for my first term this Fall semester, but I am so glad it is FINALLY over. Now the waiting for final grades begins and I am hoping my GPA remains just as perfectly untainted.

Let me tell you: Building a fashion start-up with three strangers-turned-partners was beyond stressful (especially while working full-time and freelancing on the side), but our (fictitious) business was deemed most viable and likely to succeed after each team presented their pitch. Yes!

To celebrate my few days of freedom until the start of the second term next week, the Fiancé and I took a short Satur-date day trip to Ladew Topiary Gardens for some quality time with each other and Mother Nature. On our way back home, we randomly stumbled on a farm/pumpkin patch and picked up some crunchy pumpkin chocolate-flavored popcorn, along with a warm apple caramel walnut pie.

We then topped off the night with dinner at a local hot pot restaurant, which fully hit the spot after an entire day outside enjoying the beautiful but brisker, cooler autumn weather.

I then agreed to get into the spirit of Halloween by watching Evil Dead II with the Fiancé. He is a horror movie JUNKIE while I am a complete pussy, scaredy cat. I screamed my head off and now I'm still awake because I'm afraid I'll have nightmares when I fall asleep.

The little things. Always the little things.

Perhaps.

“Perhaps the most important thing we bring to another person is the silence in us, not the sort of silence that is filled with unspoken criticism or hard withdrawal. The sort of silence that is a place of refuge, of rest, of acceptance of someone as they are.

We are all hungry for this other silence. It is hard to find. In its presence we can remember something beyond the moment, a strength on which to build a life. Silence is a place of great power and healing.”

— Rachel Naomi Remen

Sunday Funday.

Cup of tea; granola waffles with blueberry preserves; mixed berries yogurt; my thoughts, and my laptop.

Writing, and setting my writing schedule and assignment deadlines for the week, is what I'm doing this morning. And I couldn't be happier.

As an amazing 2012 winds down, I find myself reflecting on some important life lessons I've learned this past year...

• Don't just ask - negotiate.
• Say no to things that do not nourish you.  This includes people.
• Take control of your career, because no one else will do it for you.
• Dig deeper until you find or obtain what you want.
• No matter how hectic life can get, always carve out quality time for loved ones.  Always.

Provided the Mayans were wrong, and the world doesn't end on December 31, 2012, I am looking forward to 2013 with every single fiber in my being.  

Fall fun.

Finally made it out to Cox Farms today to enjoy a few hours of Fall fun in the sun. Had us some apple cider and the largest spiced apple funnel cake, ever, and the corn maze and goat village were a blast!

We were there just the two of us, and it made me miss my family so much as we were surrounded by parents, grandparents, and lots and LOTS of children today.

Two years ago I organized a family outing to the pumpkin patch at Butler's Orchard, and everyone enjoyed themselves tremendously. In fact, my relatives are still talking about it, but it's so hard to get everyone in one place these days - not to mention, I have so much on my plate right now that I really can't bother planning anything other than my own life events at the moment.

But, still. I love that the Fiancé and I make time for each other, and never wait on others for us to do things together. We've never been the type of people - much less couple - to sit at home and do nothing, so I know deep in my heart that this adventure-seeking trait will transfer over to our kids one day.

If anything, it'd probably be because we're both simply grown kids at heart ourselves.

Plans deferred.

We had great plans to visit the pumpkin patch and go apple picking today -- and we still may later today -- but the Fiancé's immune system finally broke down and he caught this weeklong cold I've been carting around with me.

So what does this girl's guilty conscience do? Why, try her hand at making congee, of course. It turned out quite well for a first-timer.

I initially used the rice cooker but the rice came out, well, like rice. So I transferred it to a bigger pot and filled it with water. I then threw in two frozen fillets of tilapia and a fistful of corn and green peas, and let it cook for an additional 30 mins or so.

Can you tell I had no idea what I was doing? The porridge turned out to be delightfully yummy, with just the right consistency the second time around. It was also slightly bland, but nothing a little soy sauce and fresh black pepper couldn't fix.

While I was slaving away in the kitchen this morning, a friend whom I've worked with texted me a photo of business books. Apparently he thinks of me as a "power woman".

Little does he know that I was playing housewife-in-training this morning. What can I say? I'm a "Kim"eleon! ;)

For longer than forever.

I'll hold you in my arms.

Just noticed.

That the four most frequent tags on my blog are

(as displayed on the right-hand side of my page):

 

- random thoughts

- life

- personal growth

- love 

 

Yup, that's about right. 

 

I present to you: Ponderings in a Pod, redux.

Love list.

Right now:

*Fall

*Fall colors

*cashmere cardigan

*sweater weather (...sweather?)

*well-worn leather riding boots

*wake-up hugs

*morning kisses

*sunlight streaming in through the curtains

*unlimited Japanese green tea

*French crepes

*outdoor dining

*women helping women

*the power of words

*the promise of amazing weekend plans

I love making lists.

I love making love lists even more.