I have always been in love with words; the way they look like in different languages, the way they sound like when they roll off the tip of my tongue.
As a child, I would have a weekly favorite, using and re-using it as often as I could, and then immediately jumping ship once I discovered a new one I liked. That was, and still is, the beauty of words. There were so many, and perhaps sometimes, there were too many. Words were lovely, and words were fun. They gave shape and colors to my ideas and dreams, and they gave my heart and imagination a song and story.
Yes, we've always had a great, grand love affair, those words and me. They were always mine to do and play with as I pleased. And yet these days, I find myself resenting them. Resenting them quite profoundly, actually.
I resent them as I struggle to find the right words to express my interest in a particular position at a particular company, without sounding too eager or jaded or bitter. I resent them for the monotony and dryness they bring to my days while I sit at my desk, not wanting to draft yet another response to yet another request. I resent them for not allowing me to say what I really want to say, when and to whom and exactly how I want to say it. I resent them for not coming to me when I really need them to be there for me.
But I resented them the most when someone very dear to me used them to slice and cut through me like paper to skin recently; quickly, almost unnoticeably, but immensely painful and bothersome when the realization slowly sank in. And for the very first time, I did not hate that dear someone for recklessly and thoughtlessly throwing those words at me like spears and arrows.
For the very first time, I hated those very words for even existing, for allowing her to tell me what she told me. I hated those words for not being neutral; for taking sides, and for not being on mine.
Today I resent you. Tomorrow, I'll try to love you again.
1 comment:
I like this post. The most interesting kind of love affairs are the love/hate ones, aren't they? And maybe it's me, but your recent dislike for words may be because for most of your day, the words you have to deal with aren't particularly fun, nor are they used for partircularly dreamy tasks. And after so many days of that -- the words lose a lot of their shine, a lot of their magic, no? But I fully trust that you'll love them again when you have a moment when they take your side and come support you just when you need it the most.
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