I awoke this morning in an empty bed, with the room still immersed in eerie, translucent tones of dark gray and barely white, still feeling the lingering remnants of a faint, farewell kiss on my forehead. I sometimes wish Manfriend didn't have to leave me so early, but I guess if we are being honest with each other, I very much relish these small, quiet moments alone. I lie there, soaking in the silence, before my thoughts start getting too loud for their own sake.
Maybe it's because I grew up in a big, noisy family, where there was always something to do or something going on, but when I was much to not-so-much younger, I used to want a busy, busy, hustle 'n bustle kind of life. When I first started here in the months following graduation, I used to relish the lifestyle that comes with being young, female, and working in the city. The wine was flowing, the men were generous. There were too many compliments paid, and too many more connections and contacts to be made. I wanted to become a high-powered partner, someday, and had the mindset and skills and backings of everyone I needed to know to make that happen.
But these days, I am a thousand miles away from that plan. These days, I find myself on auto-pilot, most of the time, from the time my alarm goes off, to the minute I glance over to the bottom-right corner of my computer screen. Auto-pilot. Because this is not the kind of work I enjoy. These are not the kind of people I particularly like. These are not the days I dream of.
This is not the kind of life I want.
But, at the end of the day, I am infinitely grateful for my current situation, as there are a multitude of things I am repeatedly thankful for.
Only think beautiful things, my horoscope coincidentally read today. And I know that, as long as I am doing my part to make a change, or even several, it will only be a matter of time before I am on the right path, for me, once again.
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